finding purpose in purposelessness

encouragement for us kiddos in our 20's

i used to be crushed by the weight of not having a singular, passion-fueled obsession. i used to feel ashamed for my directionless-ness. i used to feel inferior and boring and unworthy in my lack of one, shiny, packageable purpose. i used to feel this way—up until last night.

my partner asked me a question over our warm bowls of chicken noodle soup: what is your current purpose in life?

i started speaking without knowing the answer, without knowing what i was going to say next. but the truth flowed out of me and grounded me in a way i had been desperately needing. i had been searching for validation, for clarity, for answers, for someone smarter and older and wiser to come explain to me what i was going through and why—and why so many of us feel this way. it hadn’t mattered how many times i came across Pinterest quotes validating a person for being rather than doing. it hadn’t mattered that i had listened to Alex Hormozi say people aren’t born with passions but find passions by trying new things. it hadn’t mattered how many times i had told myself i’m just in a phase of “healing.” so i thought out loud as i answered his question.

i don’t know what i’m doing with my life currently. i don’t have one, singular career path. i don’t find purpose in just one of my many responsibilities. i realized in that moment there have been very distinct phases of my life, each one with its unique purpose, and this one is weirdly, wildly, fully up to me. my current purpose is to make the most of this phase.

this current phase won’t last long—the freedom and independence of a human being in their 20’s inevitably comes to an end. the future is unknown, and whether it brings marriage and kids or something else entirely, it’s bound to only make life more complicated.

more complicated because the longer i’m alive on this earth, the more things i’ll find to fall in love with. and the deeper you fall in love, the more you choose to stay and commit and invest. i’ll never be less tied down than i am now. i’ll never be so uninvested as i am now. i’ll never be so uncommitted as i am now. someday, as i continue to discover what i love most about this infinitely fascinating, enigmatic world, i’ll tie my heart strings to one thing after another, be it people or endeavors or the unfathomable—one thing after another, till my life is fully dictated by all i’ve fallen in love with.

it’s true; this current phase won’t last long. this phase that is undefinable in my lack of direction; indescribable in my lack of clarity; undictated by my present, ever-deepening loves; unhindered by my current responsibilities. but as i was thinking out loud, i realized i had already chosen what i want to spend this phase of my life doing.

i have the time and energy and freedom to be who i want to be—and there happens to be nothing more important to me than refining my heart and mind and soul to be the best partner i can be, the best potential mother i can be, the best follower of God, the best adventurer, the best writer, the best thinker and liver and lover. in my desire to make the most of this fleeting phase of life, my purpose had fallen silently into my lap. i’ve never been so passionate and driven and grounded and certain in knowing that the more i dispose my heart to love, the more passions and interests and investments will seep into my bones until there’s nothing i can do but surrender to flow of love in my life.

without knowing it, i had been living this way for over a year. i’d been going out of my way to refine flaws and focus on struggles and heal relationships and learn that new habit and study this philosophy or that new spirituality. as i continued to speak, answering his question more for myself than for him, all the puzzle pieces seemed to fall together: my purpose is learning to live fully alive—teaching myself how to do life with a heart fully open, a mind fully awake, a soul fully on fire.

if there’s anything being halfway through the chaotic, identity-crises-ridden-job-hopping-hair-chopping-belief-shattering-spiritual-awakening-confusion of my 20’s has taught me, it’s that everything i’m searching for can be found within me; that’s the beauty of being one with the Universe, an extension of Source, a vessel of Love, a temple of the Holy Spirit. as i wander through life, i’ll wander with the certainty that all the fulfillment i hope to uncover already lies within.

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